Monday, 18 December 2006

Maps by Kate Smurthwaite

“A map is a simplified depiction of a space, a navigational aid which highlights relations between objects within that space.”

ANGIE That was it! That was the turning.

KEV What that little dirt track down there?

ANGIE It wasn’t a dirt track, it was a road.

KEV Too late now, is there another turning?

ANGIE Lets see, err, nope. So I guess that’s it then. We’ll just have to spend Christmas driving about randomly in the middle of nowhere. Hey if we just keep going by this time next year we’ll have gone all the way round the world and we’ll come to the turning again and … oops, sorry, missed it again, one more year going insane in a Mini.

KEV Well if there isn’t another turning I guess I’ll have to turn round.

“MAP (Making Action Plans) is a creative tool which inclusion facilitators can use to help individuals, organizations, and families move into the future.”

ANGIE If you’re going to turn round then why don’t we go back to those services on the roundabout and have a coffee and a bite to eat and get some beers for the boot just in case.

KEV We have stacks of wine already. It’s not like they’re teetotal you know.

ANGIE All very well for you to say, you get a full glass every time, I’m lucky if I get a thimbleful. It’s like she’s hinting that I have a problem.

KEV She gets drunk on about a thimbleful herself. She thinks all women do. She gives you what she thinks a woman’s serving is. I know it’s old fashioned but she doesn’t know any better. Just ask for a bit more.

ANGIE I feel like such an alcoholic if I do that.

KEV Drink slowly and then top yourself up when she’s not looking.

ANGIE I’m not sneaking around looking for left over booze. What is this? Christmas in the Workhouse?

KEV Well just don’t drink so much then.

ANGIE Spend Christmas sober? Firstly that is against my religion and secondly…

KEV Look she’s not such a bad old stick, she could be a lot worse, just make the best of things.

“Map: a relation between two sets in which one element of the second set is assigned to each element of the first set, as the expression y = x2; operator.”

ANGIE I dread to think what she’ll have got me for Christmas.

KEV Why?

ANGIE Well she always seems to get something that just smells like a big hint. You know something housey, like last year – fondue set, and that was a big improvement on the year before do you remember?

KEV I don’t think so.

ANGIE Oven gloves. Oven gloves?! I mean why not go the whole hog and get me a Victorian domestic servant’s outfit?!

KEV Yeah I remember you throwing quite a wobbly. Maybe she’ll remember and get you something more appropriate this year.

ANGIE Maybe I’ll just pick up your pressie by accident and then thank her profusely. She always gets something good for you.

KEV Well she is my mum.

ANGIE Yeah but my mum does the opposite. She wants to make you feel part of the family she gets you something extra-nice. One way or another I go home with a cooking implement and a box of toiletries and you get a couple of Faberge eggs, a Rolex, jeroboam of champagne, a weekend away at the sultan of Brunei’s personal harem oh and a yacht to stay on while you’re there.

KEV Are you really this stressed about a few days at Mum’s house over Christmas? I mean is there something else going on here? Something I don’t know about?


KEV Thought so. Right lets go have a coffee and talk about it.

ANGIE Cheers.

“Morning-after pill: A form of contraception used after rather than before sexual intercourse. Morning-after pills interfere with pregnancy by blocking the implantation of the fertilized egg in the uterus (womb).”


ANGIE Let me have a bit of coffee first.

KEV When you’re ready.

ANGIE You know we had sex last night?

KEV Yup, remember that.

ANGIE You know the condom broke?

KEV Did it?


KEV Is that going to be a problem.

ANGIE Yeah, it’s really bad timing.

KEV What should we do?

ANGIE Well in any normal circumstances I’d get a morning after pill. But you have to take them within 72 hours, preferably 48. and the 72 hours we’ve got to play with are Christmas Day and Boxing Day and no shops are open and we’re stuck in Great Yarmouth where the local chemist probably has 40 shelves of incontinence knickers and a moral objection to sex before marriage.

KEV Surely somewhere will be open.

ANGIE Sure – you want to head out of your mother’s house just before Christmas dinner to go to the family planning clinic? Your mother has a low enough opinion of me already.

KEV What other options do we have?

ANGIE Wait til the New Year, find out if I am pregnant and get a proper abortion.

KEV Sounds traumatic.

ANGIE Oh there is another option.

KEV Huh?

ANGIE Erm ruin the next 18 years of our lives raising a child we don’t want.

KEV I’d quite like kids.


KEV Not really.

ANGIE Well then.

KEV Wouldn’t be so bad.

ANGIE Well as long as you do your share of all the hard work, all the nappy changing and that stuff.

KEV Of course I would.

ANGIE Would you.

KEV Of course Angie. Don’t be daft, I wouldn’t leave you high and dry.

ANGIE Well that’d be alright then.

KEV Did we just decide to have kids?

ANGIE I don’t know.

1 comment:

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